I had a car for two weeks… I haven’t had a car of my own in about 15 years. Paul was a lucky boyfriend —gave him the brand new car I bought so I could drive up and see him —I just couldn’t drive. My head hurt too much, my neck barely moved, I was so unwell that making the decision not to drive was important. But it’s 15 years later. I can drive most days, alas, it is not often an option. 

My mom left me her car while she was helping my 90 year old grandmother move into senior living (finally). Thing is, when I have a car, it makes me get out. As often as possible —but it doesn’t change my energy level and nothing gets done at home. I’m wrecked (and wow, has the laundry piled up). What do I use the car for… Appointments of course… orthodontist, neurologist, rolfing, acupuncture, eye doctor…never made it out shopping. One 10 minute return to Nordstom Rack didn’t scratch the itch. But there’s been something to get out for just about every day and I’m wiped. I’d like to sit and stare for a while.

I want more than this… But really there is something so liberating about being behind the wheel, with the radio turned up, even if for just 10 to 15 minutes —I don’t go far.

I need to keep life simplified.

Paul did get me a mani/pedi for Christmas. He was sold on it being “organic” Ha! But I know better and I didn’t let them pour “organic” scents into the water so I saved some $$ and had some gift certificate left. I decided to take a trip for me. …Five minutes away and have my nail color changed. (honestly, Paul insisted) I’m very happy I did. Red with gold details was fun but I was craving neutral. It’s just pretty. 

I often say, pick your poison. It’s nearly impossible to be all chemical free. Heck, I chose to radiate my brain and although I’m still going chem free, I’ll indulge once in a while. I haven’t had a manicure in two years. I’m just going to enjoy it right now. You can’t forget to take some time for self-care… I do feel a bit guilty spending the extra money. I’m expensive. It gets so bad that my father slipped Paul money at Christmas to take me to do something that wasn’t for health care (I’m not suppose to know this). I love rolfing. I love my rolfer but I’m still there because I’m sick. So while I’ve removed chemicals everywhere else, I’m going to indulge for a bit of nail glamour. 

I wrote this last week. Oh how I savored my last car trip. I had the radio on as I went to pick my mom up from the airport with my newly painted nails in all their chemical glory. Funny, doesn’t smell like regular nail polish. But if it stays on, no matter how  chemical free they say it is, it’s chock-ful of chemicals. So I’m going big or I’m going home. 

Truth be told, I go chemical free and then once in a while I bail for something fun. Not a hypocrite, just honest.