Well, It forces me to contemplate things that maybe I wouldn’t otherwise have taken the time to express. It is cathartic. It also has the opportunity for someone to stumble upon it and affirm that they are not alone, usually, in their health struggles. Be it getting a diagnosis, dealing with ignorant and arrogant doctors, dealing with insurance companience or just dealing with people in general. I’m grateful to know that some have found solace in our sameness or answers they could not find elsewhere. 

I spent the last two weeks sick. If it’s the VID I don’t care. It’s not some thing I would go to the doctors for or get tested for anything from strep throat or the deadly VID. Being rundown is normal for me but severely congested and a sometimes nonstop cough – it is what it is. People got sick up to 2019 and January and February 2020 and nobody got freaked out. I’ll get an antibody test eventually, purely for curiosity sake. But man oh man people are so suspicious of a stuffy, nasally voice. Timing wasn’t great – no Easter and no birthday celebration. Eventually we will do some thing, I guess. The further away from the event the more likely I’m to say whatever. I had gifts and a slice of a gluten-free cake with a candle and of course Paul. So I’m good.

I’ve spent more time on the couch with the TV on than I have in years. So much is junk. So I am re-watching “Call the Midwife.“ Just about every episode makes me cry. It is beautiful, touching, heartbreaking and it is often cathartic. I love the show but it’s been bringing to the surface that longing to be a mother and it is painful. It was never meant to be. I have been found it stated in old medical records – they knew I would never. That didn’t stop them from telling me go ahead and try and see the fertility specialist. Some kind of cruelty.

People say “adopt” DUH! Of course I would but who in their right mind would give me a baby? My physical disabilities and exhaustion do not make for an acceptable situation for a child. Now, we are older and Paul wouldn’t want an infant. Old parents aren’t an ideal situation for a baby because we like to think of the long term. We have discussed, if I could ever get myself in a better health situation, that we would adopt an older child.

I’ve had coffee with my mom‘s oldest friend a couple of times recently. She had many miscarriages and no children. I asked if it ever goes away and she said no, never. I kinda figured.

Mother’s Day is next weekend. My mommy will visiting… It doesn’t need to be Mother’s Day for her visiting to be special but it’s nice to celebrate her. It also happens to be my worst day on social media so I just don’t. There’s all the Mother’s Day love and people make sure to include every kind of mother including of course those who had miscarriages. But what about the never mother, never, not once pregnant woman who wanted it so desperately? With all the political correctness and ridiculous, nonsensical offenses people take these days you think that people would use the term my mother does which is to tell me that I am a “spiritual mother” to many. And I have been but they are grown now and as liberal as all get out. I failed. Lol. There is a trend that is slowly starting. Last year for the first time Etsy sent an email saying “we understand that for many reasons people do not want Mother’s Day emails… click here to opt out of Mother’s Day emails.” Now, I’m not offended by Mother’s Day emails or mother’s day wishes for that matter. I have a mother and I like to buy her things but I don’t need a million extra Etsy email so I clicked. This year I received a second one from UGG. So it’s a really slow start but I could see it growing. 

I miss community. People in real life. This is where you typically see an “IRL” but that defeats the purpose of “in real life.” I miss being by my friends… My friends with kids. You see, they don’t have to be my children but children of people I love and love me. I love those kids and those kids love me. Typically because I draw or do crafts with them but I’ll take it. My mom‘s friend was a widow but after years of being alone she’s with a man who is a widower as well. When his son had his first child they asked if she would be “grandma.” She’s in heaven on earth. Mothering has mostly to do with love. One day I hope community comes back into fashion or that Paul and I are able to be the ones to create it. 

I would add that to my “progress.“ 

Last month‘s posts about progress is a constant two steps forward and one step back. I would sincerely like to sidestep out of this pattern. I have made a bit of progress. My growth hormone prescription was approved on March 31st and was delivered to my doorstep on April 1! Next week I need to have labs done so I can increase to the next dose. I also had my SI joint test injection which was miraculous, however, they only have a test injection approved. So after having a positive result I had to wait 10 days before I could say yes, that worked. This is ridiculous and just adds to my waiting. Then they applied for insurance coverage of the actual procedure. We waited for approval which came yesterday and then made an appointment which of course is never tomorrow. So a full month later I will have the nerve block in my SI joint. One week to go. The cumulative affect to reach relief takes years. SIGH. I fight on…

In light of my heartbreak being rather present and with the arrival this past week of an email with the heading “the cross of infertility“ this seems like something I should share. The full title “The Unique Crosses of Infertility, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, and Motherhood”


The section that applies to me…

“The Cross of Infertility

It pained me to accept that children were not a given in my marriage, that God could very well be telling Ben and me that we weren’t called to biological parenthood. Though I was raised to understand the blessing and gift of babies, I was not exposed to the darker reality that babies do not simply happen when we want to welcome them into our lives.”

“The loss is strange, because you are grieving over a child you will never have, yet the gaping emptiness cannot be denied. It remains a cross for a couple whose longing for children remains unfulfilled.”

Paul and I have been married for 18 years. He is my everything. That is a frightening fact… “my everything.” I often remind him not to die. He replies with “I’ll try but we all die” So I simply add more direct instructions for not dying.

Being chronically ill with the addition of a germy illness has made my thoughts aimlessly wander to places I don’t like returning to but they are there. They are good to share because I am not alone.

I am getting over this bug. I am planning out paintings and we are planning trips. We do believe that spring will eventually come even if it skipped April altogether.

So, you see, making myself post is cathartic, healing and witnessing for others to find …or not.
This is for me.

Spring will come….


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