It’s not easy being in between. In between doctors. In between jobs (Paul not me) in between homes. I wrote that line in July and there was so much up in the air that I never took it from notebook to computer. So right now I’m in between lives. Paul took a new job in Massachusetts that started two weeks ago. I am here left to pack boxes…
I was putting some things away and came to one in particular, a teddy bear. His name is Transition Bear He had southern name when we lived south but it didn’t stick. Funny kind of a name, I know, but 20 years ago I began Graduate School at Lesley University to become an art therapist. I was still not diagnosed and I was bored, so I went to school. I still blame my parents for not telling me it was a stupid idea because even with straight A’s, I physically could not do it and all I did was get worse. But in that first semester, twice a week, I interned at a jail for girls 12 to 17. One of the most interesting experiences of my life. Anyway, my body was not having it and I had to leave school. The head psychologist gave me a gift bag and one of the things in there was transition bear. She said for all the great changes in our lives it’s good to have a companion. He stays by my bedside. I don’t mind change, especially when you can look forward to better things but sometimes better things are slow coming but heck, I can hug a bear.… If Paul’s not around. I did something very daring and put transition bear in the laundry on the gentle cycle. He had gotten pretty dusty. He’s back to his good old self.
Continued from my July writing: although I liked the pain management doctor’s personality he didn’t listen especially well because I’ve had zero results. My doctor in NYC palpated all over my back from my neck down and did injections according to my pain areas. This doctor is going by area as a whole. It’s the QL, OK two shots on each side, “by the book“ …well the only book he should have been reading was mine. He could’ve gone by the exact spots as the NYC doctor. He had the notes. If I had any relief it was so minor I cannot say for sure. I say that because I think standing up from the couch or the bed was easier for a few weeks but as of now I am not doing very well. …Packing ability is a glaring admonishment for poor doctoring.
However, Paul’s job is taking us back to Massachusetts, back to Boston which means my pituitary endocrinologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, MGH for those in the know, can refer me to ALL the specialists I need. Very exciting for me which is kinda pathetic but you try being me! They are a major research hospital. They deal with many rare diseases. This translates to a much higher probability of help for me. In the meantime, I try and pack a few boxes a day sometimes it’s only one.
There was so much confusion in July but we keep going. I even did a 31 day challenge and painted original watercolor notecards. They consisted of blooms, birds and bees, plus celebration cakes and hand lettering with simple quotes and Bible verses. Also… used handmade shimmering watercolor! So fun!
By the first week of August we did a test run in the front yard on how everything would be displayed for the art festival. My lovely neighbor has a garage full of treasures that made everything come together perfectly. The event was on the 13th. The people that came through were very enthusiastic. Unfortunately, the turnout was very low. It was a beautiful day to wander an art fair so that’s was disappointing. I covered the cost of my booth and made a few bucks. To be honest I wasn’t super impressed with most of the booths but directly across from me a young lady made felt flowers. From a distance they looked real and up close they looked magical. Of course I bought one to go into my new art studio/guestroom when I get there… No idea what that looks like yet. OK, that’s not true, I know what a smaller version of the apartment looks like. I hope it’s not just the living room that’s larger but only time will tell. I’d show you the lovely bright pink rose but it actually made it into a box and is ready to travel!
I also wrote for my July blog post that I visited with my grandmother for the first time in two months. I purposely stayed away in June because of my brainwashing, misogynistic uncle changing everything to keep family out. My grandmother DOES make choices. Would this be different if she wasn’t 95? Then July slipped away. There’s been so much going on that I had not realized how badly I’ve been feeling — somehow I missed that. Visiting the elderly is not the easiest. My mother is impressed with my two hour visit. After an hour and 20 minutes I was ready to go but I didn’t know how. She’s lonely and bored but also declines any remedy to both. I have been turned down many times when asking to visit (she’s 4 miles away, sheesh!). Her surprise at my call and declaring it’s been so very long since she’s seen me is frustrating. But this time I wasn’t turned away and we sat on the patio and chatted the first hour. Which means me filling the air. She laughed and smiled – kind of rare. We watched the birds. She’s repeating herself like my other grandmother did and each time you act as if it was the first time she said it. When I finally got up to go, as I drove home my eyes filled with tears. My Nana is very difficult and always has been. The dawn of extra evil politics, plandemics and controlling, egotistical uncles damaged my two years with her as she took his side of fear, fear, fear…. I thought we would be here until she was gone. Leaving is kind of the same thing. I promised her I’d be back for a visit.
We are a one car couple. Seriously where do I go and how often do I drive myself. So there’s no car here, so I can’t go visit. When Paul came back after his first week I was able to go visit her that Friday but she turned me down because my uncle was going to take her out. And I thought, how could she not see that this was a time to reschedule with him and have me come over. My mom did said something to her and my grandmother was wistful in that dawning understanding (again as she forgets) that any time together is coming to an end. Most likely Forever.
I am steady. I am calm. I am emotional. So I guess it’s all emotional. I don’t fear change but there are unknowns. I’m glad to be leaving. My cousin and her ignorant/arrogant 23 old daughter decided to attack me on our drive home from a decent dinner out (with Paul away they are the only ones I see during the week for one night). The venom from a liberal, spit onto a conservative is ludicrous! They have no idea who they’re dealing with. At 23 she thinks she’s smarter than everyone but her facts are all wrong. Declaring that all the Red States had massive loss of teachers but not the blue states. Eehhhh!! Wrong. That one I did not have facts on but it sounded like fake news but when I got home a simple search gives real results… I texted a screenshot and a link to show the top 10 states, um 70% of them are Blue states. Even if they are swing states they have been blue states for several years. No shock there. But she used that to segue into my “abhorrent belief that life starts at conception.” I probably shouldn’t use quotation because she doesn’t know what the word abhorrent means. And seriously, what is wrong with me. lol. I told her she was wrong. “No you’re wrong.” Such a quick come back. It’s comical the way she’s the typical liberal, red faced, eyes bulging, screeching at me. Literally, not any poetic license. Screeching! She was even shaking while driving and not watching the road. Why such the thirst for blood? Why don’t they want to believe the truth that abortion is murder. They are both falling for the abortion industry lies. I had a fact for every lie she had but she didn’t care. She saids she doesn’t believe in God anymore and told me most people don’t believe in “my God.” I said you might not believe in God but He believes in you and you will be questioned. She high-fived her mom and said great will be together (in hell) while cackling. You can’t make this shit up!
Do not come at me. You will not win. But there’s something wrong with her, this generation Z. To many of them believe the government. They believe that since abortion is taught at medical school that makes it ok. I mean come on, her boyfriend (22) is going to start next month at medical school and he knows all. Not the first young doctor to be brainwashed. So, Um, no. What happened to critical thinking, logic and morals? What happened to listening to your elders and learning from them. Well, not her mom because her mom is, I realized, lazy. All this nonsense just makes It all the better that I am moving.
As if that wasn’t enough, I need to add the health push – colonoscopy and endoscopy, September 2. It’s been 5 1/2 years, although my acromegaly is in “technical remission,” needing to be on growth hormone put it back on the list but more importantly my father had colon cancer as did his mother and my maternal grandfather. The endoscopy because my stomach is a mess. Western medicine is good for diagnostics but the rest I’m cautiously skeptical of but I will listen… just no more pills. That’s what got me into this tummy trouble in the first place.
But that’s two weeks from now so hopefully I can do a few boxes!
We’ve chosen the North Shore of Massachusetts. There’s a commuter rail into Boston that’s a 5 min walk away. It’s also an old New England Mill Town with streets that will lead me right to the Merrimack River.
I’m still searching for community and I need to be very cautious because I cannot even trust that family is worthy of my time. Yes, worthy! I came across this on Instagram shortly after my horrendous dinner ending last night…
“True friends must have a shared love of virtue. As far as he can, one friend tries to cure the defects he observes in the other. For the love of God, he may endure such defects with the aim of correcting them. But he can never approve – tacitly or explicitly – the vices or sins of another. … otherwise it is unworthy of the name friendship.” St. Aelred
Family doesn’t get to be in your life just because their blood… it’s a type of friendship as well. And if they are not worthy then I will pray for them but I do not have to be friends.
Paul and I have come full circle, meeting 20 years ago this past June (married 18 1/2 yrs). It all started in Massachusetts. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m feeling a calling but I don’t know if my body can commit the way I want to but we shall see. I will be cautiously skeptical of everyone I meet if there is to be a relationship. Don’t worry I’ll be friendly.
The world is certainly not black-and-white. There are so many shades of gray but somethings are purely black-and-white. They do not mix. They are clear and crisp. They are dignified and regal. They are gifts from God, the first being LIFE. No questions, no discussions. LIFE FIRST ALWAYS.