Keeping a legitimate blog takes time and extra effort for the chronically ill… I’m impressed with those who do so much. I first write it out. Pen to paper feels best. Followed by dictation in to the phone which is helpful, annoying and comical all rolled into one. The helpfulness of it certainly wins out. It is also responsible for most of the odd typos I miss once I read and re-read the post 100 times.

On December 18th I began with pen to paper… 

I hate being in this much pain I’m not sure how I’ve managed to stay in a joyful mood. The right Christmas music, movies with Paul, decorating, Instagram Christmas art challenge… My parents coming in a few days! It all adds up! 

This week, how can I help my cousin who just lost her mom? She said no to everything. I did finally find a way to help — wrap and wrap I did for hours. My mom texted and told me not to overdo it – but I’m in pain if I do one hour or three. So I might as well do as much as possible! My cousin was working but came downstairs to make me stop. I asked if my mom texted her. She did not but told me I was done. I went upstairs with her and chatted for a bit. I headed home… I’m really tired of the pain. I do sincerely mean it when I say I’d rather be helpful even when it causes more pain. What kind of life would I have if I did nothing. That is not who I am. However, for the first time in years I’ve needed a narcotic. All the doctors here in Rochester, NY have denied me steroid injections. That’s a much better solution than a narcotic. Medical tyranny and stupidity at its finest. I take it once a week. I probably need it more but I’m used to being in pain. I’m also use to ignoring it until I cannot.

It’s Mid-December and I’m still not seeing my grandmother (last months post has details) My arrogant and ignorant uncle has her brainwashed. So I’ve spent time making her a photo album of all we did together, maskless and unvaccinated all year! It was bittersweet.

I can pray for them. We would have to wait and see what Christmas would bring and my aunt’s funeral. My cousin waited for my mom to be in town. My grandmother told her she would not be coming if my mom was!! WHAT?! My mom is also unvaxxed. They spent time together in September. Nothing has changed. What is going on here! All we could do is wait and see.

… Time marches forward. I lose hours but I find myself wishing I had some design work. I wish I could take walks every day… Lots of wishing…

But this week brought me Christmas songs stuck in my head that I infected Paul with which he later returned the favor. So lots of singing and making up lyrics. Back and forth for 3 weeks! Pure joy.

We’ve been watching cheerful Christmas movies (even if cheesy and predictable) and classics like Roman Holiday and Funny Face.

Then I want to cry because the pain is crippling. I’ve wake wanting to cry. I can’t move. It’s the struggle that most have not seen but hurts Paul’s heart. My only choice is to keep going.

On Dec 16th I did get out for a walk with headphones for music but just five minutes out the door my friend called. Her schedule with working, kids and home life has made it hard lately to get in a chat. But once we visit on the phone my soul fills with joy. One hour with her, even over the phone and the rest of the day, regardless, of pain, I’m overwhelmed with peace.

The very next day, I set an alarm so I would be able to function and talk with a friend. It’s been a very long while since we spoke. It was a wonderful time spent together. An hour and a half of chatting and sharing and you get a sense of euphoria. 

That evening another friend, who we’ve been trying to make a phone date, finally connected! After a couple of hours laughing and sharing my soul is filled joy. 

Yes, I am on the phone from 1 to 3 hours for any given person. If that friend is in Malaysia we’ve been known to hit the 5 hour mark. I can do a lot with headphones and a friend I miss dearly.

I think why do so many people have fear? Why the isolation? I miss people in person. Our mental health suffers so dearly.

We are Social Beings.

New York and it’s ridiculous mask “mandate” is back. We are not complying. This time no one says “mask!” About an eighth of people are not complying. This needs to be more. The government sees you’re comfortable with masking and keeps putting more restraints on you. You were giving up your freedoms but now you’re also giving up mine. People need to understand the damage they are doing and the lies they have been told. This is not a conspiracy theory. They’re even admitting it. Just look for all the backtracking… Every day there is more, CDC, WHO etc. 

Where is the conviction? I do not understand so many people lacking in conviction.

Truth seekers need to speak up and out and fast. 

I mentioned missing some design work. I usually have little projects here and there. And then yesterday (Friday was a busy day) I received an email requesting immediate help. She was hoping I would have a few minutes to spare, with the holidays fast approaching. The logo was done almost 2 years ago but she disappeared. She had not chosen the final version but it was narrowed down to two before other parts of life made her put this project on the shelf. …A nonprofit for assisting those with  disabilities in North Carolina. Of course I’m going to drop everything to do it. Paid or not. She and her two partners are amazing, caring, generous people. It is an honor to be involved in my own way. So I spent Saturday working on finishing branding and getting them files that they could use immediately. I will pick it back up the first week of January. 

Sitting is a slow death for me and I pay for it. I want to cry but I will do it again because they need me to help move them forward.

I am called to be of service.

I am also called to suffer.

…While working on her designs, I received another email for design work. It’s all unpaid or nominal at best but I need purpose and to be creative so certain causes and people are worthy of my time — even when it’s followed by immense pain.

But even with my hip nerves screaming, Pandora’s “Swinging Christmas” station had me happy and dancing around as best I could. Movement is best for pain even when it hurts. And it’s fun! I should still be having fun and enjoying life.

I am complicated.

I just need to keep finding the joy. Thank God for all the things I have and all the things that I don’t have that I don’t want, as my father says.

December 29… Picking the pen back up. A week with my parents and one of my brothers. Christmas together was wonderful. Everyone found joy in matching pajamas! Who knew it would be a little thing, that we have never done before, would be such hit! My grandmother even came over for dessert and for all of the evil things people have been filling her head with a phone call from her son-in-law, my father, and she’s getting ready to be picked up immediately. She forgot about all the nonsense once she was inside. 

My great aunt passed on December 6 and the funeral was on the 27th. I successfully did a reading; Ecclesiastes “a time for everything.” I did not feel stage fright and I did not speak too fast. I’ll take small victories.

We “wore masks“ under our noses and sat in the front row reserved for my grandmother (and her family). Her “helper for the day“ her atheist son. I mention atheist because it is the front row of a Catholic Church which he turned his back on. My father and brother are vaccinated and she has spent the year with me and my husband and visits with my mom… practicing Catholics… Anyone could’ve tended to her… Of course who cares, she was with us two days before. She loved hugs and kisses and she was happy. But this son had the audacity to tell his twin brother (who was not present) that Paul and I “had some nerve sitting in the front row and wearing our masks under out nose!” Eh-hem… Who took their mask off the whole time at the restaurant afterward? Yes, the covidiot uncle. Did he tell his brother that part?! I’m gonna go with no he did not but I also don’t care. I do care about the damage it is causing my nana.

I cannot stand hypocrisy. I cannot stand arrogance and ignorance.

The whole extended family has many issues with him but they avoid rather than confront. I am a huge fan of confronting a person who is out of line, miss guided and smug. It’s a “character flaw” to many but one I have no intention of changing and I don’t consider it a flaw. I do hold my tongue when appropriate. Anyway, this Maskhole needs to realize that it’s ALL a personal choice. For many it is harmful choice, as well as, and an immoral choice. I fall into all three. I choose God. I choose Life, Faith, and Love.

I do cut out the people who are not good for me. I have been doing it since I was 18 and it has served me well. I also don’t hold grudges so things can change. I will have to see how my 95-year-old grandmother acts now that the holidays are over. Christmas Eve with my uncle poisoned her into not seeing anyone. Christmas morning, when my mother called her, she was crying. She wanted to be called home to God. She wasn’t with her family – she did not know why not? She can no longer sort it all out. At 95 confusion has set in. Her suddenly, attentive son, always whispering in her ear is pure elder abuse. So we will keep her calm as best we can. Show her love and kindness and find some joy to share.

On the 29th, as my parents were on the way out the door my phone rang and it said “Nana.” She was calling to thank me for that photo album I made her. She doesn’t remember any of it and loved seeing all the photos of us together and all the things we did with her. She told me she took her time with each page. And found such joy. There are pictures of my parents and my brothers, many of me and Paul and my cousin and her kids, as well as, her beloved sister. She’s the last five children. Finding her a bit of joy here and there is not easy but I will continue to try even when this so-called uncle, keeps trying to cancel me. He’s having trouble.

A week of guests has me crippled. It makes everyone nervous to see how much worse I become. I will rest and keep working on pain management, painting, getting outside and finding joy.

Always finding joy.

I know the nonsense of the last two years has caused much distress in families. It’s hard to understand how lies have been so easily adopted into “truths“…Make no mistake they are still lies. I know so many people with broken families because of this. 

The goal is disunity and we cannot let “them” win. We must have faith, convictions and the courage to speak up. I pray everyone learns the truth and make amends. I hope everyone fights for their freedoms and the freedoms of all Americans… And the freedoms of every human being in the world.

Always seek out joy. There is a difference between joy and happiness. 

May 2022 to bring you much joy!

Last month I added a donation box for the first time as people have requested ways to help with my medical expenses. 95% of all I need is not covered. Which means I have to go without. Paul and I keep working towards it and do the best we can.


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